The Misadventures of the Stanley Cup

By Stevie

Congratulations to the 2012 Stanley Cup Champions!

I was ecstatic to watch the Kings hoist the Stanley Cup last night. As I look back on my history as hockey fan, I have come to realize that I have never once been sad to see a team skate around with the Cup held high above their heads as though it is light as a feather (save for 2008 as I watched my home town team sitting on the sidelines as the Red Wings did their victory dance in our arena). But when it comes down to it, the Stanley Cup is the most amazing trophy in sports and no sport celebrates victory on the season like the NHL.

Conn Smythe Winner, Jonathan Quick

The Stanley Cup is the only trophy that belongs to the fans as much as it does the players. The players are able to spend personal time with it and take it out into the community. It travels almost the entire year, visiting far ends of the earth and living among the fans.

Watching these men call out as they raise the Cup is special. It gives you chills and brings grown men to tears. This Cup carries the tales of those whom have been fortunate enough to earn their names on it and everyone in between.

There is no other trophy as grand, communal, beautiful, and epic as the Stanley Cup.

What if the Cup could talk though? What secrets would it tell? Tales of glory, tales of adventure, tales of honor. But what about those times in between? The times it has been missing. The times it has been thrown around like a rag doll. What of those times? What secrets does the Cup really hold?

Third time’s a charm in the Lemieux swimming pool.

We know from the “Day With the Cup” videos the special ways that players enjoy their 24 hours with the Stanley Cup what types of journeys the Cup makes. But when the cameras aren’t rolling (or the videos and photos aren’t released at least) what happens to the Cup?

What unspeakable horror would Lord Stanley tell the public of its travels?

Let’s have some fun and venture guesses into the mind of the Stanley Cup.

1. How many sexual acts has the Stanley Cup witnessed or been directly involved in?

We know that men have slept with their arms wrapped around the Cup, but any red blooded man wants to have as much glory with the Cup as possible. If you’re alone with your wife, girlfriend, random girl from a bar with the Cup… something is going down.

Sidney Crosby sound asleep with Lord Stanley. Why are you so tired, Sid? Hmmm?

2. What substances other than champagne and cereal have been consumed from or housed in the Cup?

Okay, I am actually not even going to venture down this road. We know where it is headed and I’d likely vomit thinking about it.

Chris Draper and his kids eating iced cream and Timbits out of the Cup.

3. What is the oddest/freakiest place the Cup has traveled to?

It’s been in houses, hospitals, arenas, schools, fire departments, and bottoms of swimming pools. How many showers/bathtubs has it been in? How many truck beds? How many concert stages? It has been in an abundant amount of locations, but what other places has the Cup been that perhaps the players do not want you to know about?

Milan Lucic partying with the Cup…Oh, God…Back away from the Cup, ladies!

With party brothers Mike Richards and Jeff Carter about to spend some personal time with the Cup, the answer to this and questions 1 and 2 may receive answers that the world is simply never going to be ready to hear.

And so it begins…

4. How high has the Cup fallen from?
In 2009, the Pens had the cup on the top floor of Mario’s in the South Side. They were hanging out of the window with it. Simon Gagne almost dropped the Cup on the ice last night. What is the highest place the Cup has been dropped from and lived to tell the tale without much damage? I cringe to think.

The Pens at Mario’s on East Carson.

There is much more to discover than these few questions about the Stanley Cup, but it is probably best that these questions remain a secret. After all…how many people reading this have had the pleasure of planting a big fat kiss on the Cup when it was in town?

Now go rinse your mouth out.

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