Awkward Exercise

By Stevie

The great and awful thing about my gym is that it is directly across the street from work. It is super convenient, I pay a discounted monthly rate because of my employer, and I didn’t have to sign a contract. The location forces me to pack my lunch more because I go to the gym typically on my lunch hour.

I basically have no excuse not to go. The place has only been there for about 3 years. All of the equipment is brand new, top of the line. They offer a ton of classes. It’s a beautiful facility.

The bad part, is being there when other people from work are there. I usually go around 1:30 or 2:00 after the lunch rush. The place is a ghost town. I don’t have to wait for machines. It’s perfect.

Except that two guys I work with have the same idea as I do about the gym: go when it isn’t crowded. I keep my headphones on and just do what I need to and get out.

But it never fails that I’m usually this machine that strongly resembles the set up of a gynocological exam when one of these young men wants to engage me in conversation:

inner thigh machine

When I use this machine, I don’t engage others. I look straight ahead and act as though I don’t see any of you people. I’m wearing Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak in my mind.

Oh, no. I’m not. Here comes one of the guys from work. It’s bad enough that I have sports bra cleavage and am sweating up a storm without having to make small talk as my legs are parting like a curtain opening for the show to begin over, and over, and over…

Please, oh please, just walk away.

Some exercise equipment and poses are just extremely sexual.

A few weeks ago, I was using this gem. Trying to tone my butt and some dude I don’t know who was wearing baggy jeans and a huge jacket started barking at me, “Yeah girl. You get that girl. Keep going. Push harder.”

download (1)

Um, can we get someone over here? I think this guy is just off the street!

He has freakin Timbs on! This is a gym!


Now comes the part I may hate the most: Yoga positions that are fairly high on the Karma Sutra radar. Or just…ya know. Tuesday night. Whatever your cup of tea is, ladies and gents.

I use yoga positions for my cool down. I usually do a sequence that unfortunately is comprised of some of the positions below.

If you want a really good stretch and want guys checking out your boobies, upward dog will do it.

Upward Dog

Upward Dog

Downward dog, and the one legged variation- nuff said.

downward dog

Downward Dog


onelegupward dog


And finally, bridge pose:

So much girating.

So much girating.


The gym can be your best friend or worst enemy. Sometimes, I’d love to bury my head in the sand and promptly die.

Please don’t chat me up while I’m sweating and my bra is showing from under my tank top. We can exchange pleasantries by the water fountain back at work. Please, not while I’m inverted on a yoga mat.

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